PART 2 of 3: HOW TO BE MODEST.

Making Others Feel Good

Be aware of what you're worth in front of others. Studies show that to be modest, you have to be aware of how your accomplishments and qualities stack up in front of others. Only then can you realize that you have a lot to be thankful for and that you shouldn't go around making other people feel bad about it. If you know you look like a runway model, then don't complain about your stringy hair to other people; if you know you're the most talented actor in your studio, then don't talk about how insecure you feel.

• Write down the things you're good at. Be realistic -- how do you really stack up against others? Sure, you may not be completely happy in your career, relationship, or friendships, but think about how much you already have going for you.
• A lot of people are immodest because they don't realize how good they have it. They don't realize that they are bragging or complaining about the wrong thing because they may not see that they are better off than others.

Realize what others have before you open your mouth. This has to do with knowing your audience. Make sure that you are not accidentally annoying or hurting other people with your careless comments. If you're in a great relationship, don't give your best friend all of the details if she's upset about not being able to find the right guy; if you're only having a minor setback at work, don't tell your unemployed brother all about it unless you want him to feel terrible.

• Before you talk about something that is going great, or relatively not-so-great, in your life, look at who you're talking to. How is this person doing professionally or personally, and how would your statements make him feel?
• When you're talking to people you barely know, you should be even more discreet. Don't brag to someone when you have no idea where he is even coming from.

Don't dominate a conversation. Immodest people are comfortable with talking the whole time, completely taking over a conversation, and often talking about themselves. Who wants to hear all about YOU 24/7? Most likely, nobody at all. It's okay to chime in or to take over when you have something interesting to say, but if you can't seem to not let a conversation flow in your direction and start cutting people off to discuss what you have been up to, then you're lacking in the modesty department.

• If you're just hanging out with another person, try to maintain a 50-50 balance so both of you have a say.
• If you're in a large group, wait for at least a few people to speak in between speaking yourself.

Compliment other people. Part of being modest is recognizing the strengths of other people. If you're not modest, then you probably don't even realize that other people have so much to offer because you're so focused on you, you, you all the time. So, the next time you're hanging out with people, give them genuine compliments that show that you've put some thought into who they really are.

• You can even compliment something small, like a friend's new shirt or piece of jewelry.
• You can also compliment a person's personality trait. Say, "You're just so hardworking," or "You're such a good listener."

Give others credit for your achievements. Let's say you wrapped up an amazing project at work, but you did it with the help of others. When your boss thanks you for your killer work, what do you say? "I know, I worked my butt off!" Absolutely not. Instead, you say, "I couldn't have done it without Sarah and Michael. They were so helpful." This shows that you're aware of the hard work that others do and that you don't want to take all the credit for someone else's hard work.

• This can go beyond the workplace. If someone compliments you on your hard work in math class, you can say that you wouldn't have been able to get such good grades if your best friend didn't run over the concepts with you

Disagree without making people feel bad. Being modest doesn't mean agreeing with what everyone says all of the time. But it does mean that you should know how to disagree with people without making them feel bad. If you just say, "You're wrong!" or "Let me tell you how it really is..." then people will think that you're stubborn, full of yourself, and not willing to listen to what other people have to say. Instead, have an open mind, and know how to state your opinion.

• Say something inoffensive like, "Maybe it's just me..." instead of violently disagreeing.
• Even if you completely disagree with someone, you should say things like, "I can see your side of it" or "I've never thought about it that way before." Don't make people feel bad unless you want them to think you're stuck up.

Thank people for all of their help. Saying "thank you" and show gratitude can go a long way in making you look modest. If you're modest, then you should be thankful for all of the people who make your life better and who are there to support and help you no matter what. Make sure these people know how much they mean to you and that you remember to always thank them for what they do--or just because.

• Get in the habit of saying "thank you" as much as you can, whether you're talking to your best friend or your repair man.
• Elaborate. Say, "thank you for helping me redecorate my house. I couldn't have done it without you."
• Get in the habit of writing thank-you cards. They can help you express gratitude

Accept compliments with grace. Another part of being modest is to know how to accept a true compliment. Don't say, "That's not true..." and then put yourself down. Instead, keep it simple. Just say something like, "Thank you, I really appreciate that you would say that." Let the person see that you've accepted the compliment and that you're not going to fight it and disagree.

• You don't have to jump back and compliment the other person right away, either, or you may look insincere.